In about a month, I’m going to be 35 whole years old. I’m so disappointed in myself. You see, 20ish years ago I had mapped out these grand plans. I was supposed to be running a creative department somewhere in the Real City by my 32nd birthday. Scratch that. By my late 20s, I realized it was time to reevaluate. I knew I was past the point of comfortably living within my means in NYC, so I decided I’d go for different fulfillment. I’d work so hard and be successful in my unexpected career path. I worked 80 hours a week convinced that if I put in the time, effort and worked three jobs at once I could pay off my condo before I turn 40. Which would require me being at a certain point financially and professionally by my 35th birthday. And here I’m not.
So life isn’t what I was expecting and in the last 10 years I’ve had the best and worst moments of my life to date. I got the best job I ever had and loved it. I had the rare, wonderful experience of working with a group of people who were smart, talented and actually worked as a team. I learned more from two managers than I could ever imagine learning in a lifetime. Then a merger took that job. I’ve got another one, and it’s not the best, but there’s been worse. I got my newest puppy and he’s awesome. I lost a puppy to juvenile lymphoma. I almost lost my condo to the bank, but I didn’t and I can pay just fine now. But I can’t sell and get away from my hideous neighbors. One of my closest friends defriended me for reasons unknown, also my concert going friend. But before she did I got to see Rob Zombie up close and personal twice and Ozzy from the front of the pit, so close I could see up his nostrils. Those were great best times. My brother moved back to my state and I get to hang out with him all the time. My mom had three types of cancer and followed up that fun year with almost not making it out of heart surgery complications last month. But she’s better now.
I was sued, cleaned out financially thanks to the lawsuit, ended relationships with people who I thought would always be my friends, had a couple car accidents, ended my only real adult relationship, my uncle died – but I’m fulfilling some lifelong goals like competing in fitness, testing for level 2 Krav Maga, weighing less than I did in high school (while superficial, super important to me), had 2 normal conversations with my dad and exactly 10 years ago I earned my M.S. degree.
So while throwing a little pity party today, I started realizing I’m not where I want to be, but maybe I’m where I need to be. It hasn’t been easy getting here, but I have the great parts to hold on to.
- Krav Maga is the official self defense s (ozarkfitnessnorthglenstoneavenue.wordpress.com)